Day 30: Forgive Someone.

Oh this was a doozy of a task. And would you believe I just typed the entire post about it and accidentally deleted it? ACK!

Attempt #2: I've been musing over this task since the challenge began. I knew it was one of the "biggies". And I knew I wanted to give this one the time and energy it needed. The funny thing about it, is that it's really been a long time coming. By that, I mean, I see now that it's something I have been unconsciously working on for awhile.

Honest to God, I think I have forgiven and I can move on. Wow, does that feel good to say.

Without airing too much "dirty laundry" here, I do want to share some facts. For cathartic reasons and for the hope that it will seal the deal, so to speak.

I do not have a relationship with my father and have not for many years. It's a long story. But what I will share is this:

• My father is an alcoholic.
• My father is selfish.
• My father is a creative genius but lacks any discipline.
• My father cannot accept responsibility for any of his actions. Every misfortune is someone else's fault.

Rather than judgements, I feel the above are bona fide facts about the man. I could share the experiences I've had with him that back these up, but I won't. I used to spend a lot of time remembering those things and hating him. I don't do that anymore. In fact, I can honestly say I've arrived at a place of feeling apathetic about him. I used to be angry. I used to let his actions define me. The way he treated me became the way I expected to be treated. I have a slew of past boyfriends to prove that I didn't think I deserved much. Sad.

I have harbored guilt for years about not having a relationship with my father. Some of my siblings are in contact with him. I suspect they disagree with my decision not to have him in my life. But I've come to learn that my forgiveness is really the only pure emotion I can give him. I could pretend to like him and respect him. I could pretend to want him in my life and my kid's lives. But that just seems to be 1) dishonest and 2) perpetuating the dysfunction of it all.

Some argue that we owe our biological parents for giving us life. I can understand that, to an extent. And that's the reason I've felt such guilt and shame. It took becoming a parent for me to see that the biological piece of parenting is really not that significant. It doesn't take much effort to have a child. Really.

What does take effort, what takes selflessness, what takes unconditional love, what takes courage, what takes moral integrity, what takes patience, what takes conviction is BEING a parent. Showing up. Doing the homework. Participating in teachable moments. Giving and giving and giving until you are zapped out. And then giving more without complaint. It's doing things that you don't want to do, but you should do. It's loving your kids so much it hurts sometimes. It's putting yourself second. It's looking at the big picture, but also staying grounded in the present. That is being a parent.

I guess it's that epiphany (And I realize it's my epiphany, not everyone will share this viewpoint. That's fine!) that has shown me the way to forgiveness.

I thank my father for giving me life. I do. It's a beautiful, crazy, tragic, wonderful gift - my life. But he was not a parent to me in the ways I described above. I can bet he did the best he could most of the time. And I can leave it at that. But I don't feel an obligation to make him something he's not, to respect him and love him, just because he contributed to my birth. Believe me, I have tried. And I come back to the same place: I can forgive him for not being a parent. I can do that and mean it. I cannot, however, feign affection and emotions for him I simply do not have.

I came across this quote and it seems to perfectly sum up, where I am right now, in my life:

"To forgive someone is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you" (Lewis B. Smedes)

For years, I've felt a sense of overwhelming shame. I was so embarrassed of the "goings on" at my house growing up, I rarely shared things with anyone.  I felt shame because, in some ways, I felt I was never good enough to deserve my father's love. I hoped that one day I'd be smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, successful enough - and he would really love me and be a parent to me. Oh, the shame of not feeling worthy!  Once I was out of the house and had disconnected with my father, then I felt shame in not wanting him in my life. Crazy.

Shame is the cruelest of all prisons, in my opinion.

In being truly honest with myself and forgiving and moving forward, I can finally shrug off those feelings of shame. It was never my fault. I was a good kid. I was enough. And, it is okay that my father is not part of my life.

And I can start my 40's saying, without a doubt: I feel lighter. I feel relief. I feel proud. That's been a long time comin'...

Well done, Amy. Well done.