Day 40: Light a candle in memory and gratitude to my Momma!

Drum Roll......I made it! To the Big Finale! The last task! All dunna!

And I am now Forty/40/XI!!

Woo and a Hoo, as I am known to say.

No more FB posts alerting the world what I am doing that day, no more fretting "when will I have time to blog about it?"...(And here I am, posting the final -2- blog posts 2+ weeks after the project ended. Well, my friends, better late than never, yes?)

Back to today's task: To light a candle in memory of my mom and in gratitude of my life. How I would loved to have spent the day with her, reminiscing and chatting about my first forty. I bet she would have been a little freaked that her "baby" was turning 40.

We recently had a birthday party for Sydney (she's a Pisces too!) and my older brother and sister were here. The next day my brother texted me this message "You are doing a wonderful job with your girls. I see more of Mom in you with each visit".  Wow. I can't think of a higher compliment. Really.

Because my birthday morning was a little busy, I was not able to make it to Mass on Ash Wednesday as I'd hoped. Jeff had planned some relaxing spa time for me at Gene Juarez so I had to bring in a friend to help out. My dear friend, Kelley, got the candle lighting started and I finished up in the evening with Jeff and the girls, with a private candle lighting at home and some moments of silence. It was nice. Simple moments with intense intention - gotta love those.

These forty days really just flew right on by. Like sands in the hourglass, these are the Days of Our Lives (I've always wanted to say that!)

Thanks to everyone who read the blog and cheered me on. And made comments! I loved the comments. Anyone who has ever blogged or is a blog follower loves getting comments. It's a weird sort of validation. In my case, this blog was more for me, to have a record of my shenanigans and to be able to show my kids one day. Nevertheless, it was nice to know people took the time to leave me a little somethin'-somethin'! Thank you.

Many, many thoughts ran rampant through my brain during this -40- in -40- project. But the one that remained stalwart was this:

Growing older is not a birthright, it's a privilege.

Amen to that, y'all. Hells to the Yeah, people!

There's several people I can think about that did not get that privilege. Mostly, I think of my dear high school friend, Jeff, who did not live to see 40, or even get to see his son grow up or grow old-er with his wife, Melissa. Horribly, horribly sad.  I was so moved that many of his buddies got together to celebrate Jeff's "would be 40th" last August.  Wish I could have joined them. 

There's people that simply live life to the fullest, that lift others up and make the world a more enjoyable place to be.  Jeff was one of those people. Sadly, it seems like the ones that burn the brightest, usually burn the briefest. It's in their memory - in their honor, really- that we should all subscribe to the belief that every day is a gift. A beautiful tragic wonderful crazy mesmerizing daunting precious mind-blowing emotional roller coaster of a gift.

That's what I know for sure...and I am grateful beyond measure.

Namaste.

Day 39: Make 3 Phone Calls.

I did it. I made the -3- telephone calls.

It was fine. And I'm sure the people I chatted with were like "Why are you CALLING me"?

But, it hasn't changed my perspective one iota. I am not a phone person and never will be. I'd just rather see people when I am talking to them.  I'd also like to know that my audience is offering up their undivided attention AND I'd like to return the favor.

Most people I know are extreme multi-taskers. So, I don't think I am off base when I say that when they are talking to me on the phone they are also probably doing one (or two, or three) of the following: checking their email,  making dinner or lunch, folding laundry, making a to do list, talking to their husbands (Mel, that's you!), painting their nails, looking at a magazine, checking TMZ to see what antics Charlie Sheen is up to today, etc.

And I think, in general, people are losing their listening skills. And I GET it - there are so many distractions out there. But I really want to be a good listener to those I care about and I expect the same. And don't even get me started on cell phone reception. Combine poor reception with a "Quiet Talker" and I just about lose my marbles...

I'd rather send an email with my thoughts/ideas/feelings than have a 1/2 assed conversation on the phone. Or make a quickie phone call to set up a face to face. But that's just me.

:)

Day 38: Play Hooky Day. Girls pick what we do!

I figure now is the time to let the girls play Hooky. Before all the standardized testing begins and before they don't want to skip school to hang out with their Mom. Technically, Syd wasn't playing hooky per se, since she doesn't have preschool on Mondays, but it was a break for her from the normal errands that fill up our Monday mornings. (If I hear "I hate errands" one more time, I just may lose it...)

I'm heading out of town for a few days later this week (Florida sunshine, here I come!!!) so I wanted to have some QT (quality time) with my hooligans. That's why I saved this task for the end of the challenge.

And, it was a total Good Time. This is how it went:

Holly slept until 8:26. She came downstairs and was like "Mom, don't I need to get ready for school?" Sydney screamed "Mom, has a surprise! She made Mickey Mouse pancakes!" (Syd did not know the true "secret" yet...)

Then I told them "YOU GET TO PLAY HOOKY FROM SCHOOL AND YOU GET TO PICK WHAT WE DO TODAY!!!!!" and this was their reaction:

Awesome.

The rest of the day played out in this fashion:

8:30 Holly eats Pluto Pancakes with chocolate chips. Syd ate her Mickey Mouse ones at the crack of dawn. Dang, if that girl doesn't want breakfast by 6:30 a.m!

8:45  Girls watch an episode of iCarly

9:15  10:15  I break out this "Paint Spinner" thing and the girls make some snazzy art. Holly also paints a pre drawn canvas. I break up 150 small fights about whose turn it is on the spinner thingy.

10:30  Spontaneous Dance Party. The girls reaallllyyy like JLo's new song "On the Floor". Thanks, American Idol.

10:45 Girls watch Sponge Bob. I. Hate. That. Show.

11:00 Finally get dressed; all of us. We Neumanns take jammies pretty seriously! 

11:15 - 12:30  Saint Edwards playground. We mostly had it to ourselves. It was COLD! Girls had sooo much fun! My fingers were numb.

12:40  McDonalds for lunch. Happy Meals for them, salad for moi.

1:00- 1:45 Girls play at McDonalds toy. Bring on the Purell! We run into the Hudson family so I got to enjoy some adult conversation with Cynthia. Kids got to play with Darcy and Brooksie. YAY for unexpected fun!

2:00 Home for more art paint spinning. Girls run around and play "House".

2:40 Into swimsuits and we head to the gym pool for swimming.

3:05  Jeff jumps into the pool at gym and surprises Syd and Holly (I knew he was coming but was keeping it a surprise!)  Happy Girls. Very cute.

3:45 Coerce girls out of pool. Jeff finished his laps. Head for home!

At this point, having gotten nothing done all day, except for (as Syd described it) "hanging out and having fun",  I make some dinner and we talk about starting homework and bath and regular type day things.

Consensus, however,  seems to be it was a damn good day :) The girls picked very simple, good clean fun type activities. Nothing out of the ordinary. I love it. They are so easily amused. And they really like each other. Sister Friends. That's what I call them. They are so blessed with that!

I documented with photos, naturally...that's how I roll!  If the girls ever forget how totally awesome their Mom is, I can whip out these pics and show 'em that Dad isn't the only fun one in da house! :)

Day 37: Write myself a love letter.

I've basically written this letter and it's in my head. I thought it about a lot on Sunday when I was at Sacred Yoga.  When the instructor said during class (when we were in Fierce/Chair pose) "Show yourself Fierce Love"...I about died. Is she a mind reader AND my yoga guru? How can this be!

I had a huge smile on my face after she spoke and she looked right at me. She must think I am a lunatic. Or she wants to be my best friend. Either way, it's all good.

It's true that I would not have had so much to say to myself had I not done this challenge/project. 

It's also true that many crazy coincidences have occurred in the last 40 days. Things I needed to hear from people, or say to people, or write to people, or things I needed to come into contact with or experience, or things I needed to think more deeply about - all of it came into fruition. There are too many examples to cite.

I've had people I don't even know come up to me at the gym and say "Hey, are you Amy? I heard about your 40 days project and think it's awesome". Seriously, that was cool.

I've had friends encourage me just at the moment when I felt too busy/stressed/tired to do my next task.

I've also had that inner voice telling me "Do it. You Must. This is Your Life, We are Talking About".

I've read some wonderful passages in The Happiness Project that dovetailed so seamlessly with my goals/hopes for the challenge - it was a little bit freaky. I've had books "speak to me" before, but this one was practically yelling. 

And I listened. 

So, the love letter to myself is basically written and in my head. I will put it to paper this weekend when I am in Florida and can write it longhand in a special notebook. I may or may not post it on here. We'll see. I do want a written record of it for my daughters to read one day. 

If there's one thing I want for Holly and Sydney,  it is for them to love themselves without holding back. To feel their awesomeness and own that, to see their fragility (or The Power of Vulnerability! Thanks Ang, for sharing that wonderful link!) and their weaknesses and own those, too. To love and love and love without fear. To be proud of who they are and where they come from and know that they are loved immensely by their Mom.

That would be like my girls "living their own love letter". And that would rock.

Below is a link on the above mentioned "The Power of Vulnerability". It. Is. Awesome. I hope you like it. I also wanted to store it here, so I can always refer to it when I feel I need a reminder. :) FYI, it's about 20 minutes. But it's 20 minutes that really impacted me...I probably would not have been able to write that post about my father/forgiveness had I not watched it and thought about it, with intention, then watched it again, and thought about it, some more. For Reals, it's Good Stuff.
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html 

Day 36: Date Night as planned by the Hubs.

Aren't we cute?  :)

Yes, indeedy, the hubs planned a really fun Date Night. This was part of the challenge because it's a well established fact that I am the planner of the family. Vacations, gift buying, get togethers with friends/family, Date Nights....

But this task required I relinquish control and let Jeff take over. All I contributed was telling him the date I had plugged into the -40- in -40- calendar for this task.

Jeff even picked my outfit. Well, I gave him options, and the skinny jeans, tall boots, leather jacket combo was his final, final. He would have preferred I step out of the house in something more risque, but that's typical for a Man, right? :) I even wore eyeliner for the occasion! Whoa.

He picked the place for dinner and made reservations. He coordinated the overnight sitter (his mom = free = yay!) and made the after dinner plans. The girls left about 4 so we had some time to kill before we needed to leave the house. 

**** Hubba Hubba, for our eyes and ears only... :) ****

We dined at Bis on Main, in old Bellevue. Fancy, Fancy...

We shared Seared Ahi as an appie (my fave), had amazing salads, then I opted for Crab Cakes for my entree. Totally something I would not normally try. They were fab. Look at me operating outside my "normal"!  The rest of the dinner patrons were totally the old Bellevue crowd, mature and established. Lots of pearls and cardigan twin sets. I was definitely the youngest and the hippest. I told Jeff we should always eat there - HA!

After, we headed to The Parlor for a comedy show. The joint was-a-jumpin! Packed to the brim. I had not even heard of this place. The headliner was Tom Arnold. Who was quite funny. And the -2- opening comedians were realllllllly funny. One of them did a bit on what people do in their car's in traffic while listening to music. Hysterical. Tom Arnold was really likable and his Roseanne stories were pretty entertaining.  But I came away with the thought that as acrimonious as that relationship must have been, I think he still likes her. (Did anyone see Roseanne on Oprah recently? She is now a macadamia nut farm owner in Hawaii. And has a reality show about it on Lifetime. Who would have thought that would happen?!)

A comedy club was a great activity for us. We both love good stand up comics and there is just something so cathartic about giggling from your very core, isn't there?

After 1.5 margaritas on the rocks at the comedy show, I was ready to head for home after the show ended about 10:30. Jeff and Blue made a candy run so we ate some chocolate on the couch, watched something on TV (can't remember what) and enjoyed being in a kid-less house. 

Thanks, sweetie, for planning such a fun evening! MWAH!

Day 35: Re-read The Celestine Prophecy.

		I'll "fess" up here. I have not gotten to re-reading this book.

I picked too many books for the -40- in -40- challenge. What was I thinking. I am a fast reader, but SHEESH! To aggressive of a plan, in terms of literary content!

That is my ONLY regret thought about the challenge. So, that's good!

I will get to this book. I loved it when I read it 18+ years ago (it came out in '93 the year I graduated from GU. Well, I didn't "technically" graduate until 95 -but GU let me "walk" in 93- as I was short 5 credits. I got to finish those pesky last 5 credits while I was working full time and already paying off student loans. Yeah, that was fun! Not.)

Anywho, it's like an adventure story, but it's also philosophical and spiritual in nature. It's a narrative, but much more than that...

Have any of you read it? What did you think? Would you read it again?

Just curious.

Day 34: Operation Baby Books. Get on the ball!

Those of you that reviewed my list of things closely (anyone? anyone?) will notice that this task was not one of the original -40- things.

It's one I came up with along the way, mid way into the challenge.

I was recently going thru some family photographs and I was once again reminded how few baby pics there are of me. Now, I am the youngest of 5 so I GET IT. The novelty had likely worn off.  But it's kind of sad to rummage through your infancy/toddler/youth photos that were haphazardly thrown into a dusty, old cowboy boot box.

And, it suddenly dawned on me I have not even STARTED a baby book for Syd. I have some baby mementos thrown in a pretty box stored in her closet, but that's it. I framed her birth announcement but she took it off her wall, at some point, and I honestly don't have a clue where it is. Wow, I am not doing much better than my own parents, am I?

Needless to say, it seemed entirely logical to scrap the "Spontaneous Road Trip" task and add in "Operation Baby Book(s)"... Fun day trip vs. Horrible Mother Award??? Hmmmm. That's a no brainer, isn't it?

I had a brief fling with scrapbooking after Holly was born, so I've got some scrap/photo books going for Holly. By no means are they a finished product. Let's just say that fling with scrapbooking was short lived. It's just not my thing.

After the panic attack of "I'm a horrble Mother. What if I die tomorrow and there are no baby pictures for Sydney to show her own kids someday", passed and I calmed the heck down, I started organizing photos. Then the panic set in again when Jeff remarked that the hard drive on my Mac is dying and "had I thought about backing up the photos somewhere else?"

 Crap! Crap! Crap! No, I have not backed anything up. This could be a bad scenario. (If anyone has a good system in place how/where they store their digital prints, please let me know...)

4,000 deep breaths later, I realized I had to start somewhere. I decided creating a physical photo book for her would be best.  I'll deal with the potential "hard drive crashing/ all photos from the past 4 years going bye bye" scenario after this challenge is over.

Off I went to make some organizational sense of all the photos.....

Ugh, that was the most annoying part. Digital Photos everywhere - on my Mac, on the home PC, on CD's. It was like searching for a needle in a haystack to find her birth photos from Overlake Hospital.

But I found 'em. And weeded through hundreds, if not thousands, of images and narrowed it down to 255 prints to order. Boom, log onto Costco.com, order those babies up and I am on the way to "not being the worst Mother ever". Thank God.

I've only completed a bare bones book for Miss Sydney Elizabeth from birth to 15 months. But that is a good start. I've got prints through 2 years old ready to go, too. I just need another photo album to put them in.

Progress, folks, it's a beautiful thing!

The best part? Sydney LOVES this book. She's looked at it everyday, several times a day, since I put it together. She likes looking at her old crib, photos of her with no hair or with her Binky in her mouth, photos of her with her beloved stuffed elephant that she's had since she came home from the hospital. It's sooooo cute to see her looking at the photos and smiling and saying "Remember this, Mom?"

"I sure do, honey",  I say. And now she can always remember it, too...

Day 33: Pick something of mine that I love and give it away.

This was an interesting task for me and I came away from it with an unexpected realization.

I don't really own that much stuff that I love.

Hmmmph.

Don't get me wrong, there's some things I adore and would never consider giving away: some photographs, some books, my wedding ring (Which I designed. Mainly because I only wanted just one band, rather than the usual ring + wedding band. I tend to lose things. That's why this baby was insured before it ever left the house!) 

Some of my clothes make me really happy (okay, well maybe I love my Frye boots just a little bit), but I'm not sure I love love them.

Most of my possessions (or our possessions, as not much around here is just "mine") are just things. Stuff. Pieces. Chotchkes (it can also be spelled tchotchke, I know!) 

Furniture, clothing, sports equipment, camping gear, jewelry (except for that diamond stud I lost. And it was an anniversary present. Bad Amy! See, I do tend to lose things fairly often. But Jeff also lost his original wedding band, so I think he still is "winning in the losing game"!)

It's mostly all just Stuff.

So, when I started thinking about picking something I love love, it dawned on me that the most of my "things" aren't in that realm. Hmmmmph, again. It took me awhile to pin this one down. 

I came up with -2- items that I see everyday and I really do love love them. They just make me happy. They "rise up to meet me", if you will. Love that.

The first item is a set of -2- throw pillows in our sitting area off the kitchen. They are reversible: one side has these yellow flowers and the other side has a batik print. The minute I saw these at Target, I knew they had to be mine. Luckily we had just painted and I was doing some re-decorating (when AREN'T I re-decorating, some might ask) and the pillows were perrrrffffeect.  I drink my coffee early in the morning in this room, before the rest of the house wakes up, and the pillow is the first thing I see. It's like a cheery "good morning" just for me. :)

However, I realize no one probably wants my throw pillows. (Although my friend Joy did mention she loved them, when she was visiting.  Good thing you did not stuff them in your suitcase, Missy!)

So, the next item HAD to be IT. Another small item, one that resides on my entryway table. It's a small thing, a chotchke. But it's cute, it's got one of my all time favorite sayings on it, and it, like the pillows, "greets' everyone to the chaos that is is our home. Our house is not fancy. It's kids friendly and dog friendly. There's usually naked Barbies and a menagerie of stuffed animals everywhere (unless I know someone is coming over. Then I hurl the aforementioned into one of multiple baskets I have strategically placed around the house.) The kids have even resorted to riding Syd's new Big Girl scooter around the lower level (birthday gift from Uncle Todd). Not my favorite thing but it 1) makes them happy and 2) our hardwood floors are already thrashed from the dog's toe nails....

Jeff's work bag, his squash bag, his size 13 running shoes and work shoes usually are somewhere trying to trip me. Or there's little Pet Shop pieces that your bare feet will somehow connect with. 

My point is, that this item says "Keep Calm and Carry On". I tend to sweat the small stuff. I get stressed when my house is messy. I like everything to have a place. I like there to be order. I've given up on this in little bits, over time. I still demand some sense of tidiness, but I have really mellowed. (Jeff I am sure is like "What is she talking about? She is a psycho about being tidy!" But that is really only when it is "that time of the month", I swear!)

I'm convinced this little item that I love helped! Crazy, I know. 

It also hails from a store I absolutely adore. Seriously, every little thing in there is ridiculous. Their website is not great. But the store is a real treat. When you are next in downtown Kirkland, take a looksie in Haley's Cottage (used to be Liberty 123, for those of you locals...) They even have a darling throw pillow with this saying on it. I die! But I am not quite at the point in my life where I will spend $90 on a throw pillow. Jeff would kill me. (Just ask him what he thinks about throw pillows, in general. He will go off!)

But, alas,  I feel I can safely pass this little piece of sanity on to someone else without the entire household falling into ruins. :)

A friend of mine has been going through a tumultuous time and I sometimes am in awe she has not gone off the deep end... If there is anyone who could benefit from my little item that I love, it would be her. 

So, my dear girlfriend, from my house to yours, I hope this little thingy- ma- jig rises up to greet you and helps you Keep It All In Perspective.

Keep Calm and Carry On, my friends. Keep Calm and Carry On!

Day 32: Eat lunch with my girls at school.

This task is one of the reasons I love being a stay at home mom. It's so fun to pop in and surprise the girls and eat lunch with them. It takes just a 1/2 hour and it totally delights them. And it totally makes my day, too.

Life is soooooo about the Small Things! The things that fill up an ordinary day, but if you take time to appreciate them, they are the fixins' for the best memories.

I could not logistically do -2- lunches in one day, so I had to stagger the dates. First up was Sydney.

And, it happened that I got to eat with her at preschool on her fourth birthday. Big Girl! She had the birthday place mat, the birthday chair and was, basically, giddy with excitement. So cute. There were three other fellas (teammates) at our table and I got to hear all about their lunches. One kid had "Scooby Snacks" which were dog bone shaped graham crackers, I think. Haven't seen those before. Syd demanded that I go find them at the grocery store. We also got to share the birthday cupcakes I made after lunch. Nothing like 21 preschoolers high on frosting!

Holly was next up, a few days later. I had to bring her little sis with me, but I know we totally surprised Holly. Her smile (toothless as it is!) can light up a room. She had her spelling test later that afternoon, so I was able to give her one more good luck hug and "I know you'll do awesome, Squirt" pep talk. And the kids let me play "telephone" with them during lunch. I, of course, teased them and got them giggling. Until we got a little bit rowdy and the sub had to "shush" us. :)

And once again, the kids all had to share with me the contents of their lunches. From a strawberry cream cheese sandwich (Christian) to Tali's weird looking school pizza (I totally get why Holly refuses to eat Hot Lunch!) to the boy (Jacob) who always eats dessert first - there is just something so endearing about first graders...

And I just feel so blessed to pop in and do this with my little girls. I am nearing completion on my -40- things, but this task ranks as one of my faves. And one of the things I plan to incorporate into my life as a 40 year old. Maybe I'll shoot for once a month.

The days are long, but the years are short. That is my new mantra (Thanks for the inspiration, Gretchen Rubin!)

Day 31: Purge five things from my closet.

As it was pointed out to me (thanks, Cynthia!) this was a really easy task for me. I am constantly purging, consigning and giving away clothes. Jeff and I share a very modestly sized closet so I have to be pretty streamlined. I also bore easily with clothes and like to change it up. And I've reached the point where I'd rather have fewer things that I absolutely adore, than more things that I am "meh" about.

Don't get me wrong, there are some items in my closet that I've had for years. Classics. Love that.

But I also love to give clothes a new "life" - to pass them on for someone else to enjoy. And I love consigning because I can afford to get some designer items I would never pay retail for. Case in point, a Diane von Furstenberg wrap dress and a DVF wrap top, both of which I scored last summer at consignment stores in Kirkland.  I've also snagged an Emanuel Ungaro sheath dress, some nice cashmere pieces and so on. I love the adventure of consignment shopping, too. You just never know what you will find.

My favorite consignment shop is Serendipity Consignment.

Oh, and then there's the Glitter Sale. If you haven't heard me tout about that yet, just ask me! It's the best thing, ever. This year I added vintage coats and handbags, a St. John dress, Salvatore Ferragamo shoes, and a pair of Joan and David heels to my wardrobe, just to name a few.  Ummm, no, these were not the items I gave away for this day's challenge. I'm no dummy, when it comes to clothes! :)

But I do plan to keep this ritual of purge/streamline going. Spring is just around the corner (someday!) and I will be pulling out my summer clothes and start purge, purge, purging...

My loss could be your gain, people!

The purged pieces this time around went to my friend, Jena's new business venture - UnLabeled. She re-purpose/re-sells womens' clothing for a steal of a deal. What a grand idea, yes?

I admit, I was a little sad to see my studded platform heels (that I wore to Lady Gaga) go bye bye, but they were too big and caused painful blisters.

Cest la vie! I'm sure there's a cute pair of platform heels somewhere out there, waiting to take their place...

Day 30: Forgive Someone.

Oh this was a doozy of a task. And would you believe I just typed the entire post about it and accidentally deleted it? ACK!

Attempt #2: I've been musing over this task since the challenge began. I knew it was one of the "biggies". And I knew I wanted to give this one the time and energy it needed. The funny thing about it, is that it's really been a long time coming. By that, I mean, I see now that it's something I have been unconsciously working on for awhile.

Honest to God, I think I have forgiven and I can move on. Wow, does that feel good to say.

Without airing too much "dirty laundry" here, I do want to share some facts. For cathartic reasons and for the hope that it will seal the deal, so to speak.

I do not have a relationship with my father and have not for many years. It's a long story. But what I will share is this:

• My father is an alcoholic.
• My father is selfish.
• My father is a creative genius but lacks any discipline.
• My father cannot accept responsibility for any of his actions. Every misfortune is someone else's fault.

Rather than judgements, I feel the above are bona fide facts about the man. I could share the experiences I've had with him that back these up, but I won't. I used to spend a lot of time remembering those things and hating him. I don't do that anymore. In fact, I can honestly say I've arrived at a place of feeling apathetic about him. I used to be angry. I used to let his actions define me. The way he treated me became the way I expected to be treated. I have a slew of past boyfriends to prove that I didn't think I deserved much. Sad.

I have harbored guilt for years about not having a relationship with my father. Some of my siblings are in contact with him. I suspect they disagree with my decision not to have him in my life. But I've come to learn that my forgiveness is really the only pure emotion I can give him. I could pretend to like him and respect him. I could pretend to want him in my life and my kid's lives. But that just seems to be 1) dishonest and 2) perpetuating the dysfunction of it all.

Some argue that we owe our biological parents for giving us life. I can understand that, to an extent. And that's the reason I've felt such guilt and shame. It took becoming a parent for me to see that the biological piece of parenting is really not that significant. It doesn't take much effort to have a child. Really.

What does take effort, what takes selflessness, what takes unconditional love, what takes courage, what takes moral integrity, what takes patience, what takes conviction is BEING a parent. Showing up. Doing the homework. Participating in teachable moments. Giving and giving and giving until you are zapped out. And then giving more without complaint. It's doing things that you don't want to do, but you should do. It's loving your kids so much it hurts sometimes. It's putting yourself second. It's looking at the big picture, but also staying grounded in the present. That is being a parent.

I guess it's that epiphany (And I realize it's my epiphany, not everyone will share this viewpoint. That's fine!) that has shown me the way to forgiveness.

I thank my father for giving me life. I do. It's a beautiful, crazy, tragic, wonderful gift - my life. But he was not a parent to me in the ways I described above. I can bet he did the best he could most of the time. And I can leave it at that. But I don't feel an obligation to make him something he's not, to respect him and love him, just because he contributed to my birth. Believe me, I have tried. And I come back to the same place: I can forgive him for not being a parent. I can do that and mean it. I cannot, however, feign affection and emotions for him I simply do not have.

I came across this quote and it seems to perfectly sum up, where I am right now, in my life:

"To forgive someone is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you" (Lewis B. Smedes)

For years, I've felt a sense of overwhelming shame. I was so embarrassed of the "goings on" at my house growing up, I rarely shared things with anyone.  I felt shame because, in some ways, I felt I was never good enough to deserve my father's love. I hoped that one day I'd be smart enough, pretty enough, athletic enough, successful enough - and he would really love me and be a parent to me. Oh, the shame of not feeling worthy!  Once I was out of the house and had disconnected with my father, then I felt shame in not wanting him in my life. Crazy.

Shame is the cruelest of all prisons, in my opinion.

In being truly honest with myself and forgiving and moving forward, I can finally shrug off those feelings of shame. It was never my fault. I was a good kid. I was enough. And, it is okay that my father is not part of my life.

And I can start my 40's saying, without a doubt: I feel lighter. I feel relief. I feel proud. That's been a long time comin'...

Well done, Amy. Well done.

Day 29: Pole Dancing Workshop!!!

Okay, so this quote was posted in the restroom at the Pole for the Soul studio. I thought it was awesome and a great boost to see right before class started. (Especially since my car battery was dead right as we were leaving the house and we arrived @ the studio without the extra time to drink a Mimosa before class started, as planned.... Boo!)

I've always been intrigued by pole dancing from a physical standpoint. I've heard it's a really great workout (I concur). But it was more than that, that got me to include this in my -40- things.

I'll just put it out there: After being pregnant twice and having two babies and then nursing those two babies - I just lost that sexy feeling. I don't know - maybe it was the commercial grade breast pump and double pumping, the leaky breasts for like ever, major nippage at all turns, stretch marks, being tired all the time for the first coupla years, and then those pesky wrinkles stared showing up. Need I go on? To say I have a harder time feeling sexy these days is an understatement.

That does not mean I don't think I look good. I'm in great shape for being days away from 40. I don't have that pesky baby tummy everyone complains about. I wear the same size I did in my my 20's. I'm blessed with that.  But it doesn't come for free. I've worked consistently hard at it, and have for the past 20+ years.  My hubs is often very complimentary of how I look, too. But there's a TOTAL difference between looking good and feeling sexy. At least I think so.

So, that's where the Pole Dancing idea came in. I wanted a chance to feel saucy and free. Outside of my normal environment, where I see myself mostly as a "Mom".

Pole for the Soul was the perfect place. The studio is small and intimate, the lighting is good (YES!) and there aren't mirrors. That threw me off a bit, at first. But, I probably would have been horrified had there been wall to wall mirrors. I am so stiff in the hips and not at all "shaky shaky". I think "herky jerky" is more descriptive, for sure! I don't have the "rack" for the shaky shaky...nor do I have that kind of hair that you can just throw about...and look effortlessly sultry.

But the moves we learned were verrrryyyy sexy, yet in a sophisticated way. The instructor was a curvy girl. And, wowzie, was she super hot in how she moved, strutting about in her little hot pant type shorty shorts (cellulite and all, my friends!) And her attitude! That girl had some major chutzpah. I loved it. I'm sure her fiance loves it, too.

We did some floor work and got loosened up and also learned the stripper walk. I think Jeff will like that one. It feels totally ridiculous (imagine dragging your toes on the floor as you step) but it looks super hot.

The last portion of the 1.5 hour workshop was working on the pole. My favorite part. She introduced us to the varying poles: I think there were 7. There was Tall Dark and Handsome (black and thicker in diameter) and then the Skinny Bitch (slightly smaller in diameter, I guess for a better grip?).  I am not making this up, I swear. The poles had names! That is totally up my alley. I opted for the latter. Bring it on, Skinny Bitch.  Bring. It. On.

The advertisement for the workshop said students would learn a "dramatic spin". This involved  combining the stripper walk and a turn/pirouette (all the while grasping the pole way above your head), then leaping around the pole in a spin. It was a bit scary, actually. But total, kick ass fun. I am not really sure how "dramatic" my spin was (NOT!),  but I felt sexy and I felt strong.

EUREKA!

That moment reminded me that I actually do feel pretty damn sexy, most of the time. I like seeing muscles and curves in my body. I'm by nature not a curvy girl; that's where the muscles come in and help out! I'm an A cup, I'm built more like a boy, with small hips and muscular legs. But I feel so much sexier being in shape and having obvious muscles than I do when I'm just thin (read: my early 20's). And that's what I find sexy on other women too. We all have our girl crushes (right? right?) and mine is definitely more on the Kelly Ripa/Dara Torres (remember her in the "Got Milk" ads?) side of the spectrum rather than the more fleshy, Rubenesque side of the spectrum. That's just me.  I know it's not every gal's (or guy's!) cup of tea. :)

The important lesson, here, is that I was able to see that feeling strong and fit is, for me, very sexy. It was a good reminder that while I can enjoy "loosening up" and coming up with some new ideas to entertain Jeff, I am pretty dang happy with what I've got goin' on.

And my girlfriend, Joy: WHOOOOOAAA, she was totally sexy! Who knew? I've known this girl since I was 19. But I had no clue there was a sexy vixen in there. She was on the pole next to mine, and I must say: her spin was quite dramatic. And she had the "shaky shaky" of the booty and hips down pat. I told her so afterwards and she was totally nonchalant about it, saying something like "Yeah, I've always had that in me". And my other friend, Jena, loved the workshop so much, she signed up for classes!

I love that 1) my friends were game to try this with me and 2) that they were able to channel their inner diva(s) and appreciate what they've got "goin on", too.

That, my friends, is the beauty (and the privilege!) of getting older. You worry much less about what you don't have and are more appreciative/grateful for what you do have.

Good Stuff.

There was no photo taking during the workshop, so these are our poses, after the fact. But we had to document this experience, somehow. Shoot! I just noticed that there is no photo of Skinny Bitch. Bummer.

Day 28: Triple Threat Brownie Giveaway

I've made these brownies so many times I don't even measure out the ingredients anymore. It's the same  base recipe my grandmother and Mom used, so it's tried and true. I have taken liberties with it, however, by making them into "triple chocolate". I either add in milk chocolate chips or chop up a milk chocolate bar from Trader Joe's. And then the frosting varies from a Triple Chocolate fudge or I use good ol' Nutella to frost. There's no skimping on the frosting either. These treats are ooey gooey madness. Go big or go home. That's my baking mantra...

Naturally, these are the "cookie of choice" in the Neumann household.

My task for Friday was to make them and give those babies away. This was the first task that had to be squeezed into the day's activities, rather than my day revolving around the task. Remember my "surprise a friend" task? Well, that said friend arrived the night before. YAY!

So, I woke up earlier than even normal and got the morning routine done. Made the lunches (because THANK GOD there was finally school for one of the kids!) and even got a blog post written.

Next I whipped up the brownie batter and had that ready to go. The TTB's (triple threat brownies) were out of the oven before school drop off and my gym session.

Nothing better than the smell of brownies first thing in the morning. Yum and Yum and Yum.

The rest of the day blew by. Full disclosure: I did not actually deliver said brownies until the next day. I was just having too much fun with my girlfriend and hubby to do it (shopping followed by  dining @ Purple followed by the crazy fantastic foot rub place. Let's just say the evening consisted of wine, baked brie, more wine, dinner, more wine, a shared dessert, and then an hour long wonderful (albeit non-traditional) foot massage. I die!

Anywho, I opted for -2- recipients because a whole 9x13 pan of brownies is a lot for one person/family (well, not our family, but we are a little over the top when it comes to dessert). I opted to keep it in the "hood" and our next door neighbors, the Silvestres, were the first recipient. Awesome neighbors who have been so good to us over the years....and the eldest kid is also our babysitter. The other lucky duck was another neighbor, Sten, who is a bachelor and probably could use some home baked goodness. He's another great neighbor who is always really sweet to the girls (he dropped off a birthday card to Syd yesterday from he and his girlfriend - sweet!) and is also a roofer. So, the next time a crazy Finn Hill windstorm blows off 1/2 our roof, I know who to call! :) Sweet.

Without further ado, I shall share this recipe because if you have a good thing, why not share it? For Reals!

Saucepan Brownies AKA Triple Threat Brownies

3/4 cup butter

2 cups sugar

3 eggs

4 heaping tablespoons cocoa (Honestly,  think I use more. Remember I don't measure anymore!)

1 tsp. baking powder

1 tsp. vanilla

1.5 cups flour (I use a blend of wheat/white)

Melt butter and add to remaining -6- ingredients. Beat well. Add in chopped chocolate/chips. Mix well. Pour into greased 9 x 13 baking pan (I use Pam Baking Spray) and cook at 350 for 20 minutes. 

Optional:  1 package milk chocolate chips or 1 chopped up milk chocolate bar

                                Frosting of choice. I use a Betty Crocker store bought triple chocolate fudge frosting (Gasp! I know. There is "bad" stuff in there. But it's a cookie, my friends, so deal with it!) Or I just spread Nutella on top. That ain't too shabby either. In fact, my "foodie" friend, Kyle, prefers them that way...If you opt for Nutella, spread that on while the brownies are still warm. It sort of seeps into the cookie part and gives an extra chocolatey/hazelnut boost.

Bon Appetit, my friends!